Maternal Deprivation
Note: Cross posted from [wp angelfury] A Human Rights Issue-Custodial Justice.
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ok so we know that maternal deprivation is bad on rats so we keep doing it on mothers and children in court
Int J Dev Neurosci. 2009 Nov 5. [Epub ahead of print]
Ontogeny of the HPA axis of the CD1 mouse following 24hours maternal deprivation at pnd 3.
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/19897026?dopt=Abstract
Enthoven L, Schmidt MV, Cheung YH, van der Mark MH, de Kloet ER, Oitzl MS.
Division of Medical Pharmacology, Leiden/Amsterdam Center for Drug Research, Leiden University Medical Center, Leiden University, The Netherlands.
One of the striking characteristics of the developing neuroendocrine system of rats and mice is the stress-hypo-responsive period (SHRP), i.e., low basal corticosterone secretion and the inability to increase corticosterone in response to mild stressors during the first two weeks of life. However, immediately after 24hours of deprivation from maternal care the response of the hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal (HPA) axis to mild stressors is enhanced. This study examines in CD1 mouse pups the recovery pattern of markers of HPA axis (re)activity from maternal deprivation (once for 24hours from postnatal day (pnd) 3 to 4). As expected, deprivation induced a profound corticosterone response to novelty immediately after deprivation. In contrast, one day after reunion with the mother (pnd5), this effect was abolished, lasting for at least three days. Basal corticosterone remained even below control levels. Corticotropin-releasing hormone (CRH) mRNA expression in the hypothalamic paraventricular nucleus (PVN) was suppressed for two days, exceeded control levels at pnds 7 and 8, and subsequently followed the gradual decline observed in controls until pnd 12. Delayed and rather short-lasting changes were found for adrenocorticotropic hormone (low at pnd5), and glucocorticoid receptor mRNA expression (decreased in the PVN at pnd 4, and in the hippocampal CA1 area at pnd 5). Hippocampal mineralocorticoid receptor mRNA expression was unaffected. From pnds 9-13, both deprived and control pups gradually emerged from the SHRP in a similar temporal pattern. In conclusion, maternal deprivation at pnd 3 augments hypo-responsiveness of corticosterone secretion to mild stress for several days, but does not affect the duration of the SHRP. Whether CRH and glucocorticoid receptor changes are cause or consequence remains to be established.
PMID: 19897026 [PubMed - as supplied by publisher]
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Painfully Precious
Note: Cross posted from [wp angelfury] A Human Rights Issue-Custodial Justice.
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http://corresponden ts.theatlantic. com/ed_koch/ 2009/11/painfull y_precious. php
Ed Koch
Nov 10 2009, 1:38PM
Painfully Precious
http://www.youtube. com/watch? v=b5FYahzVU44&feature=player_ embedded
This is an extraordinary story with an exceptional cast. The painful life burdens of the movie’s main character, a teenager named Precious, will cause you to weep.
In the beginning of the film, an extremely obese teenager, Precious (Gabourey Sidibe), is caring for her Down Syndrome baby whom she has named Mongol. She is soon to deliver birth to a boy who will be named Abdul. The horror is that both children were fathered by Precious’s own father who is the boyfriend of her mother, Mary (Mo’Nique), with whom she lives.
Mary, who has stood by and allowed the raping of her child, has only ill-will approaching hatred towards her daughter. One of the most poignant and dramatic scenes in the film depicts a meeting at the office of a social worker, Ms. Weiss (Maria Carey), where the mother states why she resents her daughter. I was pained by the plight of both mother and daughter and wept for both of them.
Precious is shown in a classroom with a half-dozen other girls who become her substitute family. Without the positive interaction of her social worker, Ms. Weiss, her teacher, Ms. Rain (Paula Patton), and her classmates, I have no doubt she would have been living on the streets.
The performances of Sidibe and Mo’Nique are extraordinary and spellbinding. In fact, the entire cast, including Lenny Kravitz in the role of Nurse John, does a wonderful job.
I believe everyone in the audience must have felt the way I did: how could God allow this to go on and what can our schools and society do to address the problem? The obvious answer is to provide more educational and training programs as well as money for programs to care for those in need who may never work, notwithstanding the prodding of their social worker. Clearly, however, we are not doing enough. The ending of this film, while conveying the possibility of change and a better outcome down the road, does not leave the audience with an unrealistic expectation and happy ending.
According to The National Center for Victims of Crime:
"Incest has been cited as the most common form of child abuse. Studies conclude that 43 percent of the children who are abused are abused by family members, 33 percent are abused by someone they know, and the remaining 24 percent are sexually abused by strangers (Hayes, 1990). Other research indicates that over 10 million Americans have been victims of incest.
One of the nation’s leading researches on child sexual abuse, David Finkelhor, estimates that 1,000,000 Americans are victims of father-daughter incest, and 16,000 new cases occur annually (Finkelhor, 1983). However, Finkelhor’s statistics may be significantly low because they are based primarily on accounts of white, middle-class women and may not adequately represent low-income and minority women (Matsakis, 1991).
Victims of incest are often extremely reluctant to reveal that they are being abused because their abuser is a person in a position of trust and authority for the victim. Often the incest victim does not understand – or they deny – that anything is wrong with the behavior they are encountering (Vanderbilt, 1992). Many young incest victims accept and believe the perpetrator’s explanation that this is a learning experience that happens in every family by an older family member. Incest victims may fear they will be disbelieved, blamed or punished if they report their abuse."
I saw the picture at the Regal Union Square Stadium Theater on 13th Street and Broadway which I like very much because of its stadium seating. The audience was made up largely of young black women. This film concerns problems affecting both blacks and whites and should be seen by every racial group in our country. It took enormous courage to make and participate in this film. Those who did should be rewarded with the honors of the industry and the applause of the nation.
Technorati Tags: Precious,Koch,Mayor,Movies,player_,life,movie,teenager,Gabourey,Sidibe,Down,Syndrome,Mongol,Abdul,horror,children,father,Mary,Nique,daughter,office,worker,Weiss,Maria,Carey,interaction,teacher,Rain,Paula,Patton,classmates,fact,Lenny,Kravitz,role,Nurse,John,audience,money,outcome,road,expectation,National,Center,Victims,Crime,Incest,Hayes,Americans,nation,David,Finkelhor,cases,statistics,income,Matsakis,abuser,person,victim,Often,behavior,Vanderbilt,Many,perpetrator,explanation,member,Regal,Union,Square,Stadium,Theater,Street,Broadway,problems,courage,industry,applause,streets,performances,members,strangers,whom,womenNote: Cross posted from [wp angelfury] A Human Rights Issue-Custodial Justice.
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Aaron Thompson receives 114-year sentence in missing daughter case
Note: Cross posted from [wp angelfury] A Human Rights Issue-Custodial Justice.
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http://www.denverpost.com/headlines/ci_13759035
Aaron Thompson receives 114-year sentence in missing daughter case
By Carlos Illescas
The Denver Post
Posted: 11/11/2009 01:00:00 AM MST
CENTENNIAL — Aaron Thompson had several chances Tuesday, but he refused to answer the last unresolved question in the case of his missing daughter.
"It isn’t too late to reveal where Aarone’s remains are," said Aurora Police Chief Dan Oates, fighting back tears as he asked Thomp son to provide closure in what has been a four-year search for the child. "Help us find Aarone’s body."
Arapahoe County District Judge Valeria Spencer, too, gave Thompson several chances Tuesday to speak on his own behalf and reveal where the body was buried before she sentenced him for his role in the child’s death.
Each time, Thompson shook his head and said "No."
Spencer then sentenced him to 114 years in prison and jail
At the sentencing hearing Tuesday, Lynette Thompson, mother of Aarone, wipes away tears as Judge Valeria Spencer describes the abuse the children suffered in Aaron Thompson’s home. At left is Aarone’s sister Shaunterius Johnson. (Andy Cross, The Denver Post)
for Aarone’s death and for the abuse of the seven other siblings living in their Aurora home.
"These children will recover from the physical injuries, but they will not recover from the injuries to the soul," Spencer told Thompson. "You have failed as a father. You have failed as a man."
Thompson, convicted of 31 counts, including child abuse resulting in death, was sentenced to 102 years in prison and 12 years in county jail. He will get about 900 days of that reduced for time already served.
It was almost four years to the day that Thompson reported Aarone missing on Nov. 14, 2005, telling police the child ran away from home over a cookie. A massive police hunt ensued for the little girl, but authorities quickly focused on Thompson, now 42, and his live-in girlfriend, Shelley Lowe, as suspects in her disappearance.
Aarone would have been 6 years old at the time, but police believe she died two years earlier and that Thompson and Lowe buried her in a field far away.
After three days, Arapahoe County human services took custody of the other children living in their home on East Kepner Place and police began a lengthy investigation.
Lowe died of natural causes in 2006.
The
Aaroné Thompson. (Special to The Denver Post)
sentencing hearing was the most dramatic day in the weeks-long trial. Several children living in the Thompson home spoke to the judge, as did their foster parents and others involved in the case.
"I hate you, Aaron," said Aarone’s sister Shaunterius Johnson. "You are nothing but a coward."
Spencer noted how Thompson lied repeatedly when he was questioned by police. She recalled reviewing the taped interview recently. At one point, police left the interview room and Thompson looked up and said, "Aarone, where you at?"
"It was Oscar caliber, Mr. Thomp son," Spencer said.
Thompson’s wife, Lynette Thompson, traveled from Detroit for the hearing. She said she was happy with the sentence but said it pains her knowing
Slide Show
she cannot give her daughter a proper burial.
"It hurts so bad," she said.
Vickie Kearney, a therapist who worked with several of the children, read a letter to the judge written by one of Lowe’s daughters, who is developmentally disabled.
"You go to jail, Big A," the girl, now 13, said in the letter. "You go to jail and you’ll never whoop me again."
Later, Judge Spencer recalled the testimony of the children living in the Thompson home, calling it a "torture chamber" where beatings were so frequent they became matter-of-fact to the kids.
She recounted their testimony, in which they said they were beaten with almost anything Thompson and Lowe could get their hands on — a belt, bat, extension cords.
Then Spencer glared at Thomp son for beating Lowe’s disabled daughter.
"You beat a disabled child," she said, almost in disbelief. "You beat a disabled child."
During his trial, defense attorneys acknowledged that Thompson lied to police in the coverup and tried to pin Aarone’s death on Lowe, but said he was not responsible for her death. Thompson did not testify during his trial.
Defense attorney Jim O’Connor on Tuesday urged the judge not to hand out a sentence that would incarcerate Thompson "for much more than the rest of his life."
"This man is not a monster," said O’Connor, who plans to appeal the verdicts.
But jurors saw it differently. On Sept. 28, after deliberating for nine days, they convicted Thompson on 31 of 55 counts. Thompson also was found guilty of conspiracy to commit child abuse resulting in death and accessory to child abuse resulting in death.
"We’re satisfied with the outcome," prosecutor Bob Chappell said. "It’s been a tough case for everybody."
Carlos Illescas: 303-954-1175 or cillescas@denverpost.com
__._,_.___
Technorati Tags: Aaron,Thompson,daughter,Carlos,Illescas,Denver,Post,CENTENNIAL,chances,Aurora,Police,Chief,Oates,tears,Thomp,closure,Help,Arapahoe,District,Judge,Valeria,Spencer,role,death,prison,Lynette,children,Shaunterius,Johnson,Andy,Cross,soul,father,girl,authorities,Shelley,Lowe,disappearance,human,services,custody,East,Kepner,Place,investigation,Aaroné,Special,Several,room,Oscar,caliber,wife,Detroit,Slide,View,images,burial,Vickie,Kearney,therapist,letter,Later,testimony,chamber,fact,kids,extension,disbelief,defense,attorney,Connor,life,plans,Sept,conspiracy,accessory,outcome,Chappell,everybody,injuries,four,sisterNote: Cross posted from [wp angelfury] A Human Rights Issue-Custodial Justice.
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Judge’s Association Warns: “Parental Alienation Syndrome” and Claims of “Parental Alienation” Have No Grounding in Reality
Judge’s Association Warns: “Parental Alienation Syndrome” and Claims of “Parental Alienation” Have No Grounding in Reality
Filed under: Child Custody Battle, Child Custody Issues, Child Custody Mediation, Domestic Abuse, Domestic Violence, Dr. Richard Gardner, Family Court Reform, Family Courts, Family Rights, Non-custodial Mothers, Noncustodial Mothers, Parental Alienation Syndrome,fathers fighting for custody, parental alienation — justice4mothers @ 9:51 pm
Here is the new Judicial Guide to Child Safety in Custody Cases from the National Council of Juvenile and Family Court Judges Family Violence Department. Again the fake, so-called “Parental Alienation Syndrome” and the use of “parental alienation” is warned against and the Council tells the courts they should not accept this BS.
The only entities that do believe in this fairy tale syndrome are father’s rights groups who are fronted by abusive violent men and the Whores of the Court that sustain themselves by use of these false syndromes.
2009: A Judicial Guide to Child Safety in Custody Cases
National Council of Juvenile and Family Court Judges Family Violence Department
Page 12:
C. [§3.3] A Word of Caution about Parental Alienation34
Under relevant evidentiary standards, the court should not accept testimony regarding parental alienation syndrome, or “PAS.” The theory positing the existence of PAS has been discredited by the scientific community.35 In Kumho Tire v. Carmichael, 526 U.S. 137 (1999), the Supreme Court ruled that even expert testimony based in the “soft sciences” must meet the standard set in the Daubert case.36 Daubert, in which the court re-examined the standard it had earlier articulated in the Frye37 case, requires application of a multi-factor test, including peer review, publication, testability, rate of error, and general acceptance. PAS does not pass this test. Any testimony that a party to a custody case suffers from the syndrome or “parental alienation” should therefore be ruled inadmissible and stricken from the evaluation report under both the standard established in Daubert and the earlier Frye standard.38
The discredited “diagnosis” of PAS (or an allegation of “parental alienation”), quite apart from its scientific invalidity, inappropriately asks the court to assume that the child’s behaviors and attitudes toward the parent who claims to be “alienated” have no grounding in reality. It also diverts attention away from the behaviors of the abusive parent, who may have directly influenced the child’s responses by acting in violent, disrespectful, intimidating, humiliating, or discrediting ways toward the child or the other parent. The task for the court is to distinguish between situations in which the child is critical of one parent because they have been inappropriately manipulated by the other (taking care not to rely solely on subtle indications) , and situations in which the child has his or her own legitimate grounds for criticism or fear of a parent, which will likely be the case when that parent has perpetrated domestic violence. Those grounds do not become less legitimate because the abused parent shares them, and seeks to advocate for the child by voicing his or her concerns.
To read the entire report, “A Judicial Guide to Child Safety in Custody Cases (2009)” by National Council of Juvenile and Family Court Judges Family Violence Department, please click here. This report should be very useful to both moms and dads who are under attack by claims of PAS against them.
Technorati Tags: Judge,Association,Parental,Alienation,Syndrome,Child,Custody,Battle,Mediation,Domestic,Abuse,Violence,Richard,Gardner,Court,Reform,Courts,Rights,Noncustodial,Here,Judicial,Guide,Cases,National,Council,Juvenile,Judges,Department,Again,fairy,tale,father,Whores,Page,Word,Caution,Under,testimony,theory,existence,Kumho,Tire,Carmichael,Supreme,Daubert,factor,publication,error,acceptance,evaluation,Frye,diagnosis,allegation,parent,attention,task,criticism,fathers,syndromes,attitudes,responses,situations,indications,behaviors
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“Parental Alienation Syndrome” Pusher Richard Warshak Makes $40,000 a Week per Inmate per Week at His “PAS Treatment Centers”
“Parental Alienation Syndrome” Pusher Warshak Makes $40,000 a Week per Inmate per Week at His “PAS Treatment Centers”
Filed under: Best interest of the child, Canada, Child Custody, Child Custody Battle, Child Custody Issues, Child Custody Mediation, Child Custody for mothers, Child custody for fathers, Children’s rights, Civil rights, Corrupt bastards, Custody Evaluators, Custody laws,Desperate men, Domestic Abuse, Domestic Violence, Domestic Violence by Proxy, Dr. Richard Gardner, Dr.. Richard Warshak, Family Court Reform, Family Courts, Family Rights, Getting Screwed by the Whores of the Court, Judicial Immunity, Legal abuse, Non-custodial Mothers, Noncustodial Mothers, Parental Alienation Syndrome, custody evaluations, parental alienation — justice4mothers @ 10:38 am
No wonder he is pushing it so hard, along with the other Whores of the Court that make a very nice income off of this. They are incapable of having a good practice, so they chase after the blood money in family courts. From the Law Times:
Judge reverses parental alienation ruling
Controversial trend continues because opposing parents lack funds: lawyer
By Heather Capannelli | Publication Date: Monday, 09 November 2009
In another case underscoring the controversy over parental alienation workshops, Justice Thea Herman of the Ontario Superior Court struck down part of an arbitrator’s award earlier this year that would have removed two teenage boys from the custody of their father and sent them to Texas. The decision follows a series of judgments in which Ontario courts have ordered a change in custody and sent the custodial parent along with the children to participate in the workshop.
In S.G.B. v. S.J.L., the court set aside part of an award concluding that the workshop was in the best interest of the boys because the arbitrator relied too heavily on an assessment of them prepared by Richard Warshak, who admitted he hadn’t met them personally.
In his testimony and written evidence, the psychologist and author explicitly declined to make recommendations with respect to the children because he had never observed them before.
Yet the arbitrator ordered that the remedy was “necessary for the children in this case and completely consonant with their best interests.” Herman, however, decided that in making such a finding, the arbitrator’s order amounted to a “fundamental error.”
Another issue arose prior to the hearing when the father asked the arbitrator to order an assessment to determine the appropriateness of the workshop for the children.
The arbitrator declined to do so, instead relying on his own experience as a custody and access assessor. But Herman rebuked that decision, saying “the arbitrator’s experience can only be brought to bear on the evidence. The arbitrator cannot create evidence.”
In addition, Herman said the arbitrator failed to consider the psychological impact the workshop would have on the younger boy. He suffered from Klinefelter syndrome, a genetic disorder that, among other things, caused a language delay.
The facts of the case were as follows. The applicant, the father, and the respondent mother entered into the arbitration to help resolve issues surrounding their two sons L.B. and J.B., aged 17 and 14 respectively. The parents had been divorced since May 1999 and since then, the mother experienced an estranged relationship with both of her children.
After several attempts to resolve disputes about custody, access, and raising the children, both parents agreed to what turned out to be an unsuccessful arbitration in August 2007.
The proceedings were due to continue on Nov. 20, 2007, but the father brought a pre-hearing motion to prevent the arbitrator from making an order that might result in the children leaving the province given that the mother had been in consultation with Warshak for several years despite the fact that he had never met the boys. The motion was denied.
The arbitration took place in February and March 2008 and, based on Warshak’s report that the children were suffering irrational alienation towards their mother, the arbitrator awarded sole custody of both children to her and ordered that they participate in the workshop to help to restore their ties with her.
Logistically, this meant no contact with their father for the three months that the boys were in the program. Once the workshop concluded, communications could resume as long as those in charge authorized them.
The order also allowed the mother to use transporting agents to take her children to the workshop in Texas if they were unwilling to go on their own volition.
“The work of Dr. Warshak has been submitted for peer review so it’s not as controversial as the media hype may lead some to believe,” says Jaret Moldaver, counsel for the mother. “Dr. Warshak has successfully worked with children who have been alienated, and in cases where conventional approaches don’t work, it’s the only viable option to save the child from abuse.”
A larger issue, however, is that often these cases come down to a battle of costly expert evidence, says the father’s counsel, Jan Weir.
“My concern is that in most of these cases, it appears that one parent has the financial means to retain high-end counsel and experts like Dr. Warshak, but the other parent seems to have modest means and never retains an expert, meaning that they can’t lead evidence against the findings or methodology of Dr. Warshak.”
A week at the workshop costs about US$40,000.
According to Warshak, parental alienation syndrome is “a child’s unjustified campaign of denigration against, or rejection of, one parent, due to the influence of the other parent combined with the child’s own contributions.”
It is recognized as a form of emotional abuse that happens when parents get so caught up in their own problems that they lose sight of their children’s needs.
In an interview in 2008 with Maclean’s magazine, Warshak said the workshop “teaches children how to stay out of the middle of adult conflicts and how to maintain a compassionate view toward each parent” and that it helps the child “recapture a major part of his identity.
When the child no longer feels the need to pledge allegiance to one parent by rejecting the other, that’s enormously liberating.”
But Weir says the test in law for admissibility of expert evidence is whether it’s generally accepted by the profession. That’s because courts don’t interpret the evidence of experts on their own. “Is this a method that’s generally accepted by the profession at large?” says Weir.
“This kind of evidence is getting in because the parents who are on the receiving end just don’t have the funds to retain an expert to say that it’s not, that it’s untested.”
Technorati Tags: Parental,Alienation,Syndrome,Pusher,Richard,Warshak,Week,Inmate,Treatment,Best,Canada,Child,Custody,Battle,Mediation,Children,rights,Civil,Corrupt,Evaluators,Desperate,Domestic,Abuse,Violence,Proxy,Gardner,Court,Reform,Courts,Whores,Judicial,Legal,Noncustodial,income,money,From,Times,Judge,Controversial,trend,lawyer,Heather,Capannelli,Publication,Date,November,controversy,Justice,Thea,Herman,Ontario,Superior,arbitrator,father,Texas,decision,series,parent,workshop,assessment,testimony,author,interests,error,Another,assessor,addition,impact,Klinefelter,disorder,language,applicant,arbitration,relationship,August,proceedings,result,province,consultation,fact,February,March,Once,communications,volition,Jaret,Moldaver,cases,option,Weir,findings,methodology,denigration,rejection,contributions,problems,needs,Maclean,magazine,allegiance,profession,method,fathers,evaluations,judgments,recommendations,agents,custodial,parents
2009 Department of Justice, Domestic Violence & Murder-Suicide in Families
Note: Cross posted from [wp angelfury] A Human Rights Issue-Custodial Justice.
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http://www.ojp.usdoj.gov/nij/topics/crime/intimate-partner-violence/murder-suicide.htm
Murder-Suicide in Families
Cases in which one intimate partner murders another and the children and then kills him- or herself are rare and usually garner widespread media coverage. This type of murder-suicide is called familicide.
In almost all of these cases, the killer is a white, non-Hispanic man [1].
Cases in which women kill their male partners, their children and themselves are extremely rare and thus gain even more widespread media coverage.
Learn more about:
Risk Factors
Common characteristics of murder-suicide in families include:
- Prior history of domestic violence [2], [3].
- Access to a gun [4], [5].
- Threats, especially increased threats with increased specificity [6].
- Prior history of poor mental health or substance abuse, especially alcohol [7].
Previous history of abuse is by far the most dominant risk factor. In one study, 82 percent of the men who killed their intimate partners were known to the authorities — treatment professionals, the military or the criminal justice system, for example [8].
In most cases, the man exhibits possessive, obsessive and jealous behavior. There is a gradual build-up of tensions and conflicts after which an event leads the man to act. The triggering event is often the woman’s announcement that she is leaving.
The time immediately after a woman leaves an abusive partner is the most dangerous [9].
Role of Guns
The data are clear: More incidents of murder-suicide occur with guns than with any other weapon. Access to a gun is a major risk factor in familicide because it allows the perpetrator to act on his or her rage and impulses.
In 591 murder-suicides, 92 percent were committed with a gun [10]. States with less restrictive gun control laws have as much as eight times the rate of murder-suicides as those with the most restrictive gun control laws.
Compared to Canada, the United States has three times more familicide; compared to Britain, eight times more; and compared to Australia, 15 times more.
Read more about gun-violence prevention.
Role of Shelters
Domestic violence shelters are meeting the needs of abuse survivors and their children, providing services like housing, mental health counseling and legal assistance. Nearly three-quarters (74 percent) of domestic violence survivors rate the assistance they received at their shelters as "very helpful," and another 18 percent rate it as "helpful."
Read more about what women say about shelters Exit Notice.
Role of the Economy
The very low number of murder-suicide incidents makes it hard for researchers to understand exactly what role the economy plays in these cases. What is known is that economic distress is a factor, but it is only one of several factors that trigger a man to murder his family. In most cases, the couple has a history of disagreement over many issues, most commonly money, sex and child-rearing.
Although personal economics like the loss of a job may be one of several critical factors, most experts agree that the strength or weakness of the national economy is not related to the frequency of murder-suicides, despite media coverage that suggests otherwise.
Next section: Practical Implications of Current Domestic Violence Research.
Notes
[1] Logan, J., Hill, H.A., Black, M.L., Crosby, A.E., Karch, D.L., Barnes, J.D. and Lubell, K.M., "Characteristics of Perpetrators in Homicide-Followed-by-Suicide Incidents: National Violent Death Reporting System — 17 US States, 2003-2005," American Journal of Epidemiology 168 (November 2008): 1056-1064.
[2], [9] Campbell, J.C., Glass, N., Sharps, P.W., Laughon, K., and Bloom, T., "Intimate Partner Violence, Trauma, Violence & Abuse," 8 (July 2007): 246-269.
[3], [4], [6], [7] Koziol-McLain, J., Webster, D., McFarlane, J., Block, C.R., Ulrich, Y., Glass, N. and Campbell, J., "Risk Factors for Femicide-Suicide in Abusive Relationships: Results from a Multisite Case Control Study," Violence and Victims 21 (February 2006): 3-21
[5] Adams, D., Why Do They Kill: Men Who Murder Their Intimate Partners, Vanderbilt University Press, 2007.
[8] Sharps, P.W., Koziol-McLain, J., Campbell, J., McFarlane, J., Sachs, C., & Xu, X., "Health Care Providers’ Missed Opportunities for Preventing Femicide," Preventive Medicine 33, (November 2001): 373-380.
[10] Violence Policy Center. (May 2006). American Roulette: Murder-Suicide in the United States (pdf, 21 pages) Exit Notice. Retrieved July 22, 2009 from the Violence Policy Center Web site.
Date Entered: October 14, 2009
Technorati Tags: Department,Justice,Intimate,Violence,Murder,Suicide,crime,Cases,children,coverage,killer,Hispanic,male,partners,Learn,Risk,Role,Guns,Economy,Common,characteristics,Prior,history,Threats,health,substance,Previous,factor,authorities,treatment,system,example,behavior,event,woman,announcement,Read,article,Journal,tool,victim,data,weapon,perpetrator,times,Canada,Britain,Australia,prevention,Domestic,needs,services,assistance,Exit,Notice,plays,disagreement,money,Although,economics,strength,frequency,Practical,Current,Research,Notes,Logan,Hill,Black,Crosby,Karch,Barnes,Lubell,Perpetrators,Homicide,National,Violent,Death,American,Epidemiology,November,Campbell,Glass,Sharps,Laughon,Bloom,Partner,Trauma,Abuse,Koziol,McLain,Webster,McFarlane,Block,Ulrich,Femicide,Abusive,Relationships,Results,Multisite,Case,Control,Study,Victims,February,Adams,Kill,Vanderbilt,Sachs,Care,Preventive,Medicine,Policy,Center,Roulette,Date,October,topics,Factors,tensions,incidents,impulses,Implications,Providers,familicide,women,suicides,three,survivorsNote: Cross posted from [wp angelfury] A Human Rights Issue-Custodial Justice.
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Domestic violence on rise KansaS
Domestic violence on rise
Kevin Elliotthttp://cjonline.com/stories/021909/kan_395652243.shtml
Three out of five victims of sexual or domestic violence don’t know where to go for help, victims’ advocates with the Kansas Coalition Against Sexual or Domestic Violence said Wednesday in Topeka.
Sandy Barnett, executive director of the coalition, said victims in Kansas had limited access to help for years, but an increase in funding from the Legislature three years ago expanded coverage of the state’s crisis centers.
Coalition members met Wednesday for the annual Safe Homes, Safe Streets Awareness day to discuss an increase in victims and possible funding cuts.
Barnett said statistics released by crisis centers across the state confirmed her suspicion that the number of victims would rise with the level of funding.
"Now we’re getting the first revelations," Barnett said. "Oh my goodness — the floodgates have opened."
Sharon Katz, executive director of Safehome Inc., in Overland Park, said the center relocated to a larger facility two years ago after lack of space forced it to turn away 542 victims in 2006. Despite the addition of about 15 beds, the center turned away 1,302 people in 2008.
The center is one of six in the Kansas City metropolitan area.
"Education and awareness are up," Katz said. "People know (help) is there. It’s hard to say if domestic violence or sexual assault is increasing dramatically."
Laura Patzner, executive director of the Family Crisis Center in Great Bend, said the center had a 42 percent increase in the number of victims over the past two years.
The Wichita Area Sexual Assault Center had a 30 percent increase in the number of victims taken in during 2008, said Kathy Williams, executive director.
Judy Davis, executive director of The Crisis Center and Kansas Crisis Hotline, in Manhattan, said the number of victims receiving services in 2008 increased by about 12.5 percent, with the hotline receiving a 10 percent call increase. She said the women’s shelter provided 5,600 nights of stay in 2008.
"It made it a hard year," Davis said.
Advocates said the spiraling economy could spur a further increase for demand as families on the brink of abuse experience added stress. The coalition is hoping for funding to remain at current levels as the need for help increases.
"The economy becomes an excuse," Katz said. "It increases stress in a family that is already broken."
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D.C. Sniper: The real target was to kill wife and take kids. One Shot- one kill.
Ex-Wife Of D.C. Sniper: ‘I Was The Enemy’
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=113506785
Listen to the Story
[19 min 20 sec]
Courtesy Mildred Muhammad
Mildred Muhammad, the ex-wife of the D.C. sniper John Muhammad, has written a book called Scared Silent about domestic violence.
October 6, 2009
The ex-wife of the sniper who terrorized the Washington, D.C., area during a 2002 killing spree said the random murders were part of an attempt to commit the perfect crime: to kill her and divert suspicion to a crazed gunman.
Mildred Muhammad says convicted killer John Muhammad began plotting against her after she won custody of their young son and two daughters in 2001. He had told her for years he hated her and accused her of being a bad mother. After the couple separated, he went on the run with the kids, spiriting them away to Antigua for 18 months in 1999.
But she says she never suspected she was the real target of the "Beltway Sniper" until Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives agents knocked on the door of her Maryland home on Oct. 23, 2002.
Scared Silent
By Mildred Muhammad
Hardcover, 304 pages
Strebor Books, October 2009
List price: $23
"They said, ‘Ms. Muhammad, didn’t you know he was shooting people around you?’ They said, ‘The man he shot in the hand with the laptop, that’s right down the street from you. The gentleman that was shot at the store in Brandywine — that’s two miles away from you. You were the target,’ " Muhammad says.
John Muhammad and a teenage accomplice, Lee Boyd Malvo, went on a shooting spree that left 10 people dead and terrorized residents of Maryland, D.C. and Northern Virginia. Muhammad is scheduled to be executed Nov. 10. Malvo is serving a life sentence.
Mildred Muhammad says her ex-husband thought if she were killed by a crazed gunman, he would regain custody of their children and collect compensation owed them as crime victims. "His end-game scenario was to come in as the grieving father," she says. "He maybe would have been called father of the year."
She says she had known for years her husband wanted to kill her, but no one would listen. For much of their 12-year marriage, Muhammad says, she endured his emotional and mental abuse in silence. But after they separated, she was a marked woman.
Breaking into the house one night, Muhammad says, John woke her with a terrifying message: "You have become my enemy, and as my enemy I will kill you."
Though happy at first, Muhammad says, their marriage changed after he returned from an Army tour during the Gulf War. Well-liked by everyone, he became negative, sullen and paranoid.
She says she didn’t know what caused him to become a monster, but she believes counseling before he returned to civilian life could have averted the rampage.
"I believe what would have made a difference for me is that when John came back from Saudi that he would have been debriefed, and he would have received the counseling that he needed to become a more productive person in a non-war zone," she says.
She tried to alert friends and neighbors to the abuse, but she says no one believed her because she bore no physical scars. Now, she’s telling her story in a new book, Scared Silent, in hopes of helping other victims break their silence and escape abuse.
"Domestic violence is a serious issue that needs to be addressed," she says. "It was my desire to assist other victims and survivors of domestic violence because this was a domestic violence issue."
Reported by Michel Martin and written by Deborah Tedford.
Excerpt: ‘Scared Silent’
by MILDRED MUHAMMAD
Scared Silent
By Mildred Muhammad
Hardcover, 304 pages
Strebor Books, October 2009
List price: $23
Prologue
I could not believe this was happening. The man I married, the man that fathered my children, could not be capable of such a thing. I sat in a hotel room riveted to the television set as images of John flashed across the screen. It was surreal. I walked up to the TV, put my hand on the screen — and whispered, "What happened to you?"
I was a zombie, not the real Mildred, the one who dreamed of simply being a good wife, a good mother and a good servant to God. I had just left a police station where an officer had looked me in the eyes and proclaimed, "Ms. Muhammad, we’re going to name your ex-husband as the sniper."
For months I had looked over my shoulder for two people: John, my ex-husband who had promised to kill me, and "the D.C. sniper," who had terrorized the Washington, D.C. metropolitan area where I lived by randomly killing people. Now I was forced to reconcile that there was only one man — that John, the man who used to cuddle with me at night and fuss over his children during the day, was also the terrorizing gunman.
I remembered what John once told me: "You know I could take a small city and terrorize it and they would think it was a group of people. But it would only be me."
* * *
Still, this was John posturing, wasn’t it? Talking was far different from actually killing. Yet when police asked me if I thought John was capable of doing something like this, I surprised myself by not hesitating for one moment to reply, "Yes."
I knew he could kill. He was a military man and had fought in a war. I also knew that he had promised to kill me because he believed I had taken his children away from him. And I knew John to be a man of his word when it came to a threat or a promise of revenge. Still, over the harrowing months during which one person after another was gunned down by the man labeled as "The D.C. Sniper," not once did I think of John. Not once. It was unfathomable. The sniper had to be a mad man. The sniper had to be inhuman. The sniper had to be like someone I had never known.
Now I was recalling every frightening comment John had ever made to me. He once said, "When a man hits a woman, it means that he has lost all respect for her. It would be easy for him to kill her after that."
But I did not foresee, not even in my wildest nightmare, that John would ever kill people who had nothing to do with me or our troubled marriage.
* * *
I stepped back from the television and realized my son was crying and my daughters were weeping into their pillows. I turned to console them, though I had no idea what to say. I held them close. They were scared. I was too. In the past several hours, we had all learned that John was the sniper suspect and that police were searching for him. Then we had to hurry to pack and police sped us away from our house and to the hotel room where we were being held under police protection.
It is amazing how exhausting trauma can be, even when it is not accompanied by physical blows. The news had pummeled us. My son had nearly passed out when he heard the news. My girls were spent from the weight of one question: How could their father commit such an irreprehensible act?
Once the children went to sleep, I tipped into the bathroom to let go of my own emotions. I had been "the good mother" for my children. I had comforted them until they closed their eyes. I had been the strong shoulder, the consoler. They only had one parent left and they deserved a good one. I turned on the water in the bathtub and faucet so they could not hear me. I sat on the cold floor of the bathroom, buried my face into a pillow and sobbed. I cried for hours, hoping that by daybreak when the children woke, I would be ready for the great unknowing that awaited us.
It was October 23, 2002. It would become a day of demarcation for me and my children. Before this date, my son and daughters were like other children, barely aware of the challenges that adults faced. But after their father was publicly named as the sniper, I watched the light in their eyes grow dimmer. They knew that the worst things were possible. That one day you could be romping in the yard with your parents and on another day you could sit in front of a television set, your heart nearly beating out of your chest, as you watched armed police officers search for your father.
When the person you love becomes the one you fear you are scared to the core of your being. Everything you thought was real has become an illusion. It is disconcerting. You feel as if you are falling into a deep hole and there is nothing to hold onto because everything you thought was there is gone. You slip deeper. And deeper.
John was going to kill me, and now I knew that he had conspired to kill other people just to create a smokescreen. Soon I would learn all the details of how he planned to kill strangers and then shoot me down and have police blame it all on "the D.C. sniper."
But he got caught. Thank God, he got caught.
When the person you love tries to kill you, the pain is unspeakable. How do you explain such an act to anyone? To yourself? What can you possibly say?
I had been a girl with simple dreams. One of my greatest prayers was to be a good wife. Now I thought of the many ways in which John had dismissed me and diminished my existence. I heard his familiar retort, "I don’t mind because you don’t matter."
I was thankful he had not killed me, and I grieved over those whose lives he had taken. I cried for their families, too. But the silencer on John’s gun had silenced me in another way. Shame cut off my tongue. Fear paralyzed my throat. Surely people hated me, I thought. I was the reason innocent people were killed. A bullet did not take my life, but it would be years before I found my voice. Meanwhile, every gentle word I thought of I used to help my children heal. This is what a good mother does.
It took months, even years for my own healing. But now, seven years later — finally — I am no longer scared silent.
Chapter One: First Meetings, First Lies
September 1983 — Baton Rouge
Women who have been involved with abusive men often say that their partners started out being exceptionally attentive and romantic. That was certainly true of John when I first met him. It was on a steamy Labor Day in Louisiana, and I had the day off from my job as a data processor at the State Department of Labor. What I remember most about that lazy Monday morning, except that it was hot, was that I had nothing special to do and nobody to do it with. I was a naive twenty-three-year-old, living a sheltered life at home with my mother. My life revolved around church and work. I was ready to have my own life, as well as a real relationship. I wanted to meet somebody to love; I wanted to meet somebody who would care about me. That morning, my mother was bustling around the kitchen when I went inside to tell her that I was going to the corner store a couple of blocks away. As always, she reminded me, "Just be careful."
I had walked less than half a block when Valena, one of my best friends from high school, passed by in her car and offered me a ride. I certainly could have walked the two blocks, but I was thankful for the company. Valena and I were still close friends. In high school, I was a cheerleader, and she was on the pep squad. We went lots of places together — dances, parties, clubs. It was always fun being with her. Now that we were all grown up, the same thing was true: as soon as we saw each other, it was, "Hey, gurl, wassup?" Valena had another friend in the car, and we began laughing and talking the minute I climbed in. We were three girlfriends who were enjoying a day off in Baton Rouge, listening to songs on our favorite R&B radio station and generally having a good time.
On the way home, Valena said she needed to stop at another store up the street. She pulled into a parking space, and I stayed in the car while she finished her shopping. As I was sitting there, two men came out. One of them, a tall, good-looking brother, wearing sharp blue jeans and a sweatshirt, glanced in my direction. Our eyes locked. I felt vaguely embarrassed and I turned my head so he wouldn’t come over. But, he did. Valena, who was right behind him, began talking to him. Whoa, I thought, she knows him!
"Who’s your friend?" He used his head to gesture in my direction.
"This is Mildred," she told him.
He stuck his head in the driver’s window. "Hi, Mildred," he said. "I’m John. What are you doing tonight?"
I had absolutely nothing to do, but I didn’t want him to know that. My girlfriends and I often talked about how difficult it was to find a good man. Even so, I didn’t want John to know that I was all that available.
That’s why I tried to sound sincere when I said, "I have to check my schedule."
He asked for my number, gave me a beautiful smile, and said he would call later. After he left, Valena had some things to tell me about John. She said that, like us, he had attended Scotlandville High School where he had run track and played tennis. I was a year ahead of him and didn’t recall ever meeting him. Valena dropped me off, and I went inside to think about his smile, which was probably John’s best attribute. When I first met him, he had the kind of smile that everybody noticed; I wasn’t the only one who said that his smile could light up a room.
John called early in the evening as he had promised, and we made a date for eight-thirty. He was at my front door exactly on time. I would quickly learn that he was on time for all of our dates. It was another plus in his favor. When he came in and met my mother, I also couldn’t help noticing how respectful he was. Even more points in his favor. We drove down to a park by the river, a romantic spot filled with other couples doing what we were doing — walking, talking, laughing, sitting on the benches, and giving each other long significant looks. Right away, John told me that he had two sons, but that he wasn’t married.
At one point, he looked me straight in the eyes and said, "I’m looking for someone to share my life."
We were having our first serious conversation, and he asked if I was seeing someone special.
"No," I told him, "I’m just chilling until the right man comes along."
"Well, you’ve found him." John continued to capture me with his gaze.
"Is that right?" I asked.
"Yeah, that’s right." He sounded confident of himself as we both smiled at each other. It felt good to be out with a man who was so quick to express his feelings. John seemed so special. Hey, I thought to myself, finally a "man."
When I asked him what had happened with his ex-girlfriends, he simply said, "Things didn’t work out." He told me that with all the women he had known, after a while, they had done things that made him feel trapped. As soon as he got that feeling, he realized it was time to move on. According to him, he didn’t have anything against marriage; he just didn’t like to feel trapped. I was already intrigued by his thought processes so I asked him what made him feel that way. He told me that if a woman started nagging him or making him feel incompetent, he felt like less than a man. He wanted to be with someone who appreciated him and treated him as though he made a difference. I wanted to please him so I made a mental note never to nag him and to show him that he was appreciated and admired. When we said goodnight, he kissed me on my forehead and told me how much he liked being with me.
The next day he called to check up on me. It was sweet of him, and I told him that right away. He said that I was easy to talk to, and that he hadn’t talked to anybody like he talked to me in a very long time.
"If there is anything I can do for you," he said, "let me know." Then he told me that he wanted to be there for me and that he wanted to make my life easier.
I was shocked that he was so straight with his words. I remember telling him, "You haven’t known me long enough to say those things to me."
He replied, "There is something about you that lets me know that it’s safe for me to talk this way. I know myself well enough to realize that if I can’t do something, then I won’t say it. If it comes out of my mouth, then I’m obligated to make it happen."
That sounded good to me. "Oh, then you’re a man of his word, right?"
"That’s right," he answered, "I’m a man of my word."
And that’s how our relationship started. From my inexperienced point of view, John was wonderful. He used all the right words and said everything I wanted to hear, but I was at a disadvantage: my ideas of how a man should behave in a relationship were all romanticized and based on television, movies, and hearsay. My father left my mother when I was four, and I had no relationship with him whatsoever. I don’t even remember meeting anybody from his side of the family. In the last few years, I’ve thought a lot about what it means for a girl to grow up as I did. I’ve wondered whether the absence of a father image made me more vulnerable to somebody like John.
When I was growing up, my mother was the stable center of our universe. She supported the family by cleaning houses and working in restaurants. Any memories I have of my father are buried too deep to recall. There was only one family picture in the house with my dad in it. He was holding me and standing with two of my sisters next to him. But something must have happened when the photograph was being taken because his face didn’t come out; it’s just like a shiny blank. Everything I know about my father comes from what other people told me. Everybody said that he was tall, handsome, dark-skinned, and the life of the party; they also told me that he was a real ladies’ man. My mother liked to tell me that I was his favorite baby girl, but I don’t know if that was really true. Mama could have been telling me that to make me feel good about myself.
I was one of five children; my mother had my three older sisters and then it was nine more years before I was born. I also have a brother who is two years younger. My sisters were pretty much all teenagers or out of the house by the time I was old enough to retain many memories. When I was about nine, my father died. Even though we didn’t know him, my brother and I went to the funeral with my mom and sisters. My father’s body was in a closed casket with a United States flag draped over it. I looked for a photograph so I could see what my father looked like, but there wasn’t one. My brother and I were sitting together; the only question was which one of us was going to cry first. We were told that dad died in an accident in the Navy, but later, when I was about twenty, I was at another funeral with my mother, and I overheard some of my father’s old friends talking. That’s how I found out the truth. My father had died in a fire, and I guess you could say that he was also a victim of domestic violence. It seemed he and my mother were separated at the time and he was having problems with his current girlfriend who must have thought, if I can’t have him, then neither will anybody else. While my father was asleep, his girlfriend padlocked the doors and windows on the outside of the small house in which they were living and set it on fire. My father’s friends said that you could hear my dad screaming for miles while the house was burning. They said they came with axes to try to get him out, but they couldn’t get to him because the heat from the fire was so intense. I feel terrible thinking about it even now. Just a few months ago, my sister found a photograph of my father, taken when he was nineteen. It was the first time I saw a picture of him. I began crying and couldn’t stop for about three hours.
It was tough on my mother, living alone with young children to raise. She wanted better things for us, and she would have done anything to help her children. She struggled hard to pay the bills, but we managed. We were always in school; there was always home-cooked food on the table; and there was always love. My mother, who was one of fourteen children, came from a large religious Southern Baptist family. Her brother was a pastor and my uncle’s church was a big part of our lives. We attended Sunday school as well as every service; my mother, brother, and I all sang in the choir. My mother always gave me two pieces of advice: "Live as near right as you can." And "Live as close to God as you can."
Some people complain about their mothers saying they never got enough love. With me and my mother, it was the opposite. If anything, she loved me too much. She never wanted me to move away from her, get married, or have children. After finishing high school, I had attended Southern University for two and a half years, studying to get a degree in Computer Science, but I couldn’t afford to continue. I had to drop out, get some quick technical training, which I did in data entry, and find a job so I could help my mother with the finances of the house.
I had wanted to go into the military, but my mom talked me out of it because she didn’t want me that far away and she worried that I could get hurt. She said that people used to tell her to have children, but that nobody had ever told her how to let go. As far as she was concerned, the hardest part of mothering was letting her children grow up.
Soon after I met John, he told me some things about his childhood, and it sounded like he had never had anybody at all that he could depend on. John came from New Orleans, one of six children — three boys and three girls — but his father left all of them, when John was still very young, to start a new family and never looked back. John was always bitter that his father had abandoned the family, but the greatest tragedy of his early childhood was the loss of his mother, who died from breast cancer. He told me that he was five when his mother died, but I’ve heard reports from other family members saying that he was as young as two. The one thing everyone agrees about is that he and his mother were extremely attached and that she was holding him when she died. I don’t think he ever got over his mother’s death and he carried that sadness with him wherever he went. The image of him as a little boy in the arms of his dying mother also stayed in my mind. In our marriage, it was always hard for me to stay angry at him — no matter what he did — knowing what he had gone through.
After his mother’s death, he and his brothers and sisters went to live with relatives in Baton Rouge. He didn’t like to talk about what happened to him while he was growing up, except to say that they were mentally and physically abused by various adults in the family. He told me that he and his siblings tried to take care of each other as best they could. When I was reading about John’s trial in the paper, it was reported that one of the people who hit him regularly was an uncle who was once accused of beating another child to death. John was a proud man who didn’t like to appear vulnerable or have anybody feel sorry for him so the issue of his childhood abuse was not a topic he wanted to discuss.
People often ask me how he behaved when I met him and whether he seemed controlling, moody, or insecure, and I have to answer that he seemed much calmer and more stable than most people, but I had no real understanding then of his well-developed acting skills. Even so, he had a strong presence. Everything I heard the men in my family say a man should be, I saw in John. He had a steady job, and he was a member of the National Guard. He was a strong man with a strong handshake, and he appeared to walk tall. He was also extremely romantic, loving, and gentle with me. During his trial, I read newspaper reports of testimony from a woman he was dating in the last years of our marriage; she also described him in glowing terms as being gentle, considerate, and strong. Of course, during the early years of our relationship, I thought his loving words were all for me, but he was always exceptionally good with women. If he wanted something from a woman, he knew exactly what to say and how to say it.
Those times that he let his guard down, he did appear lonely and like he needed somebody to love him. I remember him telling me that in his life, it was as though anyone who had ever cared about him wanted something from him. I was touched by his sadness, especially about the death of his mother. I was sure I could make a difference in his life. I wanted to show him how love looks and feels when it is genuine. I wanted him to know that I cared about him for who he was and not because of what he could give me. I promised myself that I wasn’t going to disappoint or abandon him.
From John’s history, one might have expected him to act gloomy and depressed, but back in 1983, nothing could be further from the truth. The John I fell in love with was primarily a lighthearted man who liked to have fun. He would do things like pick me up from work and start driving in an unexpected direction. I would ask, "Where are we going?" He would point to the back, and I would see the fishing poles. We would head on down under the old Mississippi River Bridge where we would throw our lines in near the support beams. After we caught the fish, we took it to my house, cleaned it, fried it, and ate it. It was pretty good. Nights we would go dancing or to the movies or just hang out. On the weekends, we would go to the park, museum, or zoo. Sometimes one or both of his sons would be with him; anybody could see how devoted he was to his boys and how much they loved him.
At first even my mother liked and appreciated John and would make him special things to eat. My mother, who really knew her way around a kitchen, could whip up all kinds of food and make it better than just about anybody else. I think she tried to make John feel at home because he was so respectful of her. If he wanted peach cobbler, she made peach cobbler; if he wanted pound cake, she made pound cake. In return he did little repairs around our house. He was always extremely skillful with his hands and could fix just about anything. We had some pipes under the house that were leaking, and he promised my mother that he would come over and fix them. He showed up right on time, crawled under the house, and started working. I crawled right after him and became his assistant. I loved that I could count on him to do whatever he promised to do. When I told him how much I appreciated that quality, he told me that he would always be that way, saying, "I never want you to lose that sparkle in your eyes when you look at me."
About two months into our relationship, I decided that I was going to go over to visit Valena, who I really hadn’t seen since Labor Day. It was a warm day and I wanted to go for a walk.
"So, how’s John doing?" she asked almost as soon as I walked through the door.
"He’s doing well," I told her. "And our relationship is GREAT!"
Valena looked at me and breathed in and out, before she told me what she had found out. "Well, you know he’s married, right?"
I remember saying things like, "What?" and "Ah man!!" and "What am I going to do now?!!!"
Valena asked me how I really felt about him, and I told her, "I love him, but he never said anything about any wife. He just told me he had two sons."
"Yes," Valena agreed, "he has two sons by two different women, and he married the last one."
I felt as though somebody had kicked me in the stomach. How could this be happening? How could this be true? I was totally confused. John and I were together all the time, and I had seen no signs of a wife; he didn’t seem like he had anything to hide; he had even given me his phone number, although of course I never used it and waited for him to call me. But he never seemed to have any obligation to any other woman. He didn’t seem to be worried about being seen with me. What was going on?
Before I left Valena that day, she said to me, "Well, Mildred, you’ve got a decision to make."
All I could think about was that decision and what I was going to say to John. I went to church regularly and all those "Thou Shalt Nots" and other messages about adultery began to flash in my brain.
When John called that night and greeted me with his usual, "Hi, Sweetheart," all I could think was,John has a wife, but I was so upset I could barely speak, let alone ask him about his lies. He asked if he could come over, but I was too hurt to see him. I told him I had to help my mother with something. He asked me if I needed anything and I said no.
"Okay, honey," he said, "I’ll talk to you tomorrow." Then he paused and used those three little words that every woman in love wants to hear: "I love you."
It was the first time he had said that to me. I said, "I love you, too."
Then I hung up the phone and burst into tears. I realized what I had to do, but I didn’t know if I could do it.
That night I tossed and turned and couldn’t sleep. At work the following day, I was a mess. Instead of doing what I was supposed to be doing, I thought about all the things I wanted to say to John about why our relationship had to end, and I wrote them all down on a piece of paper so I wouldn’t forget what I wanted to say. I put the paper in my purse and was trying to get back to work when the phone rang. It was John.
"Hi, Tinker Bell," he said. Tinker Bell was a nickname he used for me because he said I was so little and cute. I called him "Sweetie" because he was so sweet to me.
"Hey, Sweetie."
"Just checking to make sure you have a smile on your face," he said.
I started looking for the paper on which I’d written down what I wanted to say to him, but I couldn’t find it fast enough, so I put the conversation off once again, all the while knowing that I was getting in deeper and deeper. He told me again that he loved me and he wanted me to remember that while I was working. Then he asked, "Do you love me?"
"Yes." I couldn’t deny it.
He said, "That’s all I needed to hear."
In the meantime, I was thinking, man, what am I going to do now?
When I got home, my mom looked at me funny as though she knew something was wrong, but I didn’t want to tell her because I didn’t want John to look bad. He called soon after I got home and told me that he wouldn’t accept any excuses and that he was coming over. We went to the park because he said he had something he wanted to say to me and didn’t want any distractions. I think I expected him to tell me about his wife and family, but I wanted to get out what I had to say first. Almost as soon as we sat down on a bench, I started talking and told him that I found out that he was married and that I was trying to find a way to end our relationship.
He said, "Please don’t do that. You are the best thing that has happened to me in a long time and I can’t go back to living without you."
I cried and told him that I was sure that what we were doing went against everything I believed. I also didn’t want to be in this situation because I wouldn’t want anybody to do this to me if I were married.
He was persistent. He pleaded with me, "Mildred, please don’t throw me away. We can work this out." He told me that he wasn’t happy in his marriage and neither was his wife. He said that they were simply going through the motions and it was only a matter of time before it would be over. He asked, "Can you please wait for me and not get involved with anyone else? I promise, I will not let you down."
"How much time?" As I asked that question, I knew the direction in which I was headed. I didn’t want to lose him.
In retrospect, I can’t help but notice how little anger I had toward him for lying to me.
My girlfriends and I were sort of indoctrinated to believe that men could do what they wanted and that a cheating man was not the same thing as a cheating woman. As long as the man was bringing the money home and taking care of the bills, everything else should be excused and forgiven. The woman was expected to keep quiet, cook, clean, take care of the children, and not cause any problems. So when I heard about John’s marriage, I almost felt sorry for him because his wife wasn’t giving him what he needed. I also felt tremendous guilt because I was helping him deceive another woman. But I didn’t really blame him or get angry at him. They say that love is blind and that explains my state. I still thought of him as my knight-in-shining-armor, and the glare coming off of that armor blinded me.
It didn’t take much for him to convince me that, even if I didn’t want to be in a romantic relationship with him, we could still be platonic "friends." That same night, almost as soon as we came to that agreement, he had a favor to ask in the name of friendship. My mind was focused on his being married, but he had a different agenda that he was promoting.
He said, "I have something else I want you to know."
"What?" I asked. From the pained look on his face, I worried that he was going to say something really horrible. I was bracing myself. Could he be dying? What kind of confession was he going to make?
"I can’t read." He looked uncomfortable as he told me. He then related an incredible story about having been in an accident and having lost his memory. According to him, he had recovered from his accident, but his memory of how to read was completely gone. His confession made me feel almost relieved because it was nowhere near as horrible as what I had anticipated. I also immediately realized that he was offering me a role in his life — one that would allow us to stay connected, even if we were no longer romantically involved.
I asked him some questions about the reading like, "Are you serious?" and "Does anyone know?"
He said he hadn’t told anybody but me, explaining, "Everyone expects me to know things, and if they found out I can’t read, they wouldn’t understand, or they would laugh at me." He seemed sad and hurt; it was obvious that he was embarrassed.
John had graduated from high school so I asked him how he had accomplished that without being able to read. He told me that he had developed a photographic memory. If he needed to learn something, he would find some excuse to ask a friend to read it aloud to him. He said he told people that things sounded better when they were read out loud. He would memorize what he had heard and floated through school by memorizing everything.
I questioned him, "You’ve done all this just to survive?"
"Yes," he answered, "But it’s getting old, and I need help."
He asked me if I could facilitate him learning to read. That’s how our relationship changed from girlfriend/boyfriend to teacher/student. I soon discovered that he wasn’t joking when he said he couldn’t read, so we started with basics like "See Spot Run." I even took a phonics class at night so I would be better equipped to teach him.
We spent a lot of time meeting at the local library, as well as the library at Southern University campus. We worked hours at a time, and I would give him lots of spelling tests. It was tough going at first and required patience from both of us, but eventually we got past basic reading texts and moved on to newspapers, magazines, and books. Before long, he was really reading, and it opened his eyes to new possibilities for his life. Helping him with the reading and seeing the results was very exciting to me.
When we met, John was a sergeant in the National Guard and spent at least one weekend a month doing his service and training. He wanted to be in the regular military, but I think his literacy issues were holding him back. He worried that people would not respect him if they discovered his secret. As his reading and writing improved, he began to talk about leaving Baton Rouge. He thought that the best way for him to get ahead in life would be through the armed services. In order to get accepted, he had to take a battery of tests. He asked me to help him study for his military tests, and I did it happily. Yes, there was still a romantic undercurrent between us, but we both concentrated on his learning. If he called me at work, it was as likely to be a question about his attempts to figure out phonics and sound out a new word as anything else.
During these many months that we studied together, John continued to make a point of assuring me that he needed me in his life and nothing was going to stop him from letting me know that. We sometimes discussed his marital status, which I viewed as a serious problem. He continued to ask me to wait. I was trying to get some distance between us and would often back away emotionally; he hated it when I did that. In the meantime, he would also try to do things for me. Once when I was short of money, he offered to help me out. I asked if he was taking from his family to give to me, and he said no, he had plenty.
The give and take between us made me feel as though we were becoming good friends. John also began to confide in me in other ways. During the time we were romantically involved, he assured me that were no other women, but he also told me that there had been other women and explained how he would arrange their names and phone numbers in codes he made up so his wife wouldn’t figure it out. I remember thinking, "I don’t want to be part of a harem." I recognized his behavior as being sneaky, but I didn’t think it was a basic weakness in his character. Instead I made excuses for him; I thought he would be different if he were in a good relationship. I assumed he was trying to fill a void because he needed love and wasn’t getting it. I didn’t see his behavior with women as indicative of larger issues.
Once he passed his test and was accepted into the Army, I cut off communication with him. I still felt extremely guilty that our relationship could be hurting his wife. It had been close to two years since we had met, and there he was, still married. Some people come into our lives for a lifetime; others are only there for a reason and a season. As far as I was concerned, my reason and my season were up. I suggested that he devote more time to getting things straight with his wife so that she could go with him wherever he would be stationed. He suggested that I go with him, and I said that I didn’t think that would work; especially since he was still married. I told him to keep studying. I told him that I loved him; and I backed off, way off.
The day that he was leaving for basic training, I wanted so badly to phone him and say goodbye. But we had decided to let the relationship go, and I didn’t want to make it worse. I spent November 5, 1985, his departure day, in my room crying. I woke up thinking about John and I went to bed thinking about John. I wondered what he was doing and how he was doing, and I wondered whether he missed me as much as I missed him.
Less than a month later, on December 1st, I received a letter from him, along with a one-way ticket to Fort Lewis, WA. The letter said that he couldn’t continue in his marriage any longer and he wanted me by his side. He said he was willing to do whatever he had to do for us to be together. One of the best things about the letter was that every word was spelled correctly.
Reprinted from Scared Silent by Mildred Muhammad by arrangement with Strebor Books, Copyright 2009
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Mildred D. Muhammad, Executive Director, After the Trauma- Battered Wife of DC Sniper John Muhammad
Note: Cross posted from [wp angelfury] A Human Rights Issue-Custodial Justice.
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Video from the The Sixth Annual Battered Mothers Custody
Conference: Albany New York 2009
Mildred D. Muhammad, Executive Director, After the Trauma
(the DC sniper- Wife and Family Survives)
Courageous Kids Carly Singer FL – and Selene Muhammad
About Mildred Muhammad
Mildred Muhammad is a domestic violence survivor with a story to tell the world.
Many know her first and foremost by her former husband, John Allen Muhammad – the convicted DC sniper who terrorized the Washington DC metro region in late 2002. However, many are not aware that the reasons for the horrific attacks on innocent women, children and men in the DC Metro area, originated from John Allen Muhammad’s stalking and the control tactics he used on Mildred, his former wife, whom he sought to find and kill before, during and after the divorce.
After almost five years of silence, Mildred speaks openly about her day-to-day experiences as a survivor of domestic violence and how it affected her three children.
It is not just "a" story – it is "one of the many" stories built on the experiences of domestic violence and the depths of its terror. After her children were kidnapped and having to face her daily reality of living without them, she began the silent struggle of looking for them, knowing that if she exposed herself, John Allen Muhammad would locate her and kill her. She was determined in her struggle to get through those 18 months of not knowing where her children were by filing the necessary legal documents "pro se" and being prepared for the time she would gain full custody of them. She never gave up hope! After they were found and the judge awarded the children to her, she fled from her former husband and moved to Maryland with her children. She was terrified during the horrific sniper shootings while looking for John and the sniper! After finding out that John and the sniper were the same person, she was subpoenaed to be present at court proceedings during the trials, and last but not least, began re-gaining her strength to start a non-profit organization.
Keeping her promise within herself to help other survivors and with her own personal funds, Mildred began After The Trauma, Inc., as the Founder/Executive Director. She is striving to enlighten more people that you don’t have to have physical scars to be a victim/survivor of domestic violence while working with victims/survivors that come to the organization for assistance. She speaks publicly as a means to get the information out to the public on ways to help survivors after their domestic violence experiences. She is not only speaking to survivors directly, but helps them through their individual situations. She is always available for those who need her most, because she understands, first hand what it feels like to be a victim and a survivor fo domestic violence. She publishes and archives a monthly newsletter on the organization’s website and sends it to those on the organization’s mailing list.
"Sometimes it is just not enough to hear the words that someone truly understands the situation and is asking you to “hold” or “wait” – this is the powerful difference in knowing first hand what needs to be offered to domestic violence survivor from a domestic violence survivor,” says Mildred Muhammad.
After The Trauma, non-profit’s mission is to provide assistance to domestic violence survivors. Through nine programs from mentoring and education to transportation – After The Trauma creates a way to help survivors face their next day, and an even greater need to rebuild their lives.
"Our primary objective is creating a place to house their growing needs. I believe we can make a difference to these women and their children. It starts one day at a time …the tragic stories would alarm anyone … but I understand, because I’ve lived through it… and I want to help the survivors through it,” says Muhammad.
Most importantly, she has three teenagers that remind her everyday that the promises of God are true!
Awards
Carolyn Washington, Executive Director of Sisters 4 Sisters, Inc., awarded her with the 2008 Circle of Grace Honors Award for her work in domestic violence
Cindy Dyer, Director, Office on Violence Against Women honored her with a Special Commendation for her extraordinary contribution to the prevention of domestic violence and in appreciation for her committment to the mission of the Office on Violence Against Women, U.S. Department of Justice
Roslyn Bacon, Executive Director of Jonah Village, Inc, in Brooklyn, NY, honored her with the 2008 Shirley Chisholm Woman of Courage Award
Chuck Paris of No Jurisdictional Boundaries honored her and After The Trauma, Inc, with the Leadership Courage Award
She was interviewed on Good Morning America with Charlie Gibson, appeared on BET and other TV interviews. She has also been interviewed by interent blog radio, various newspapers, internet blogs and magazines, to include the Washington Post and Newsweek. She has spoken on various syndicated radio shows. CNN has aired the documentary titled, “The Minds of the Sniper”. She was interviewed by Soledad O’Brien for the documentary. TruTV has aired the documentary “The DC Sniper’s Wife” by award winning film producer Barbara Kopple’. Both documentaries re-air in different locations at different times of the year.
She is a consultant with the Office for Victims of Crime and is a board member of different domestic violence organizations. She has become a "National Spokesperson" for domestic violence and has been honored as being the keynote speaker, telling her story for several conferences regarding domestic violence. She shares her expertise on what it’s like being a victim and a survivor of domestic violence without physical scars to victims and survivors of domestic violence, advocates, law enforcements, therapists, counselors, mental health providers, medical health providers, various universities and many others.
She is currently writing her book, ‘Scared Silent’, which will be released October 2009 by Simon and Schuster. She has also written a working journal, ‘A Survivor’s Journal’ specifically for victims and survivors to help with those anxieties that others may not understand which is available on the organization’s website. The responses from those who have ordered the journal have been overwhelming.
Learn more about Mildred Muhammad
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